Not Willing To Lose You
by SPNArchAngel
Summary: Nichole was just a normal girl, that is until she met Sam and Dean. After a demon hunt gone wrong, Nichole ends up in the hospital with fatal injuries after being thrown out of a two story window. Dean goes into a state of depression, and nearly drinks himself to death trying to find a way to bring Nichole back.


Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. That was the only sound Dean could hear as he sat next to Nichole's hospital bed. His eyes were bloodshot. He could feel his hands shaking as he held her hand. "This is my fault. This is all my fault." He whispered to himself as he brought her hand to his lips. It was cold and clammy. A few tears fell down from his face onto her hand.

"Dean," Sam said lightly tapping his brother's shoulder, "visiting hours are over. The staff is throwing us out."

"What if she wakes up and neither of us are here?'

"Dean. I want to stay to. Believe me. I really do but-"

"But what, Sam? If we both want to be there for her so badly, why weren't we there for her when that demon threw her out a two-story window? Huh? I had one job during that hunt: protect Nichole. I was supposed to keep her safe. So all of this is on me. Not you, me." Dean shouted gripping her hand tighter. Beep. Beep. Beep…. Dean felt his eyes widen in horror as he turned his head to look at the monitor. The only thing going across the scene was a flat line. Doctors and nurses rushed in the room and began to performing many medical procedures trying to revive Nichole. Dean struggled in Sam's grip as the doctors shoved them from the room.

"Sir, we are doing everything we can you need to leave," a doctor said as he closed the doors to the room. Dean punched the wall.

"Dean, the best thing we can do for her is go back to the motel, do some research, find and kill the son of a bitch that did this to Nikki." Dean looked at his brother and felt the tears start welling up in his eyes again.

"I know that, Sammy, I really do, but that doesn't make the fact that this is all my fault any less true. It doesn't make it hurt any less," he whispered as the tears streamed down his face. Dean ran his fingers through his hair and let out a few short breaths that he hadn't realized he had been holding. Sam watched his brother not exactly sure what to say. Dean turned and started walking toward the exit doors.

"C'mon, then. I can't kill this bastard by myself," Dean called over his shoulder. Sam sighed and looked through the window of your hospital room, relieved to see the jagged line of your heart beat flashing across the screen again. "Sam!"

"Coming!"

****************************5:45 The Next Morning******************************

The phone rang noisily on the nightstand. Dean rolled over to look at the clock. "This better be damn important. It's too damn early to be awake," he growled before answering the phone. "Hello?" Sam rubbed his eyes sleepily and sat up. Dean kept quiet, not moving at all. Sam looked at his brother. No defined expression was on Dean's face. It was a mixture of pain, confusion, and sadness. Dean never said a word before clamping the phone shut. The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Dean muttered, "She's gone." No clarification was needed. Sam knew that was the hospital that had called. Dean got up out of bed and slid into a pair of jeans. He pulled on his boots and grabbed his jacket.

"Where are you going?'

"Beer run," Dean snapped before slamming the motel door behind him. He climbed in the impala and put the keys in ignition. She roared to life. Dean banged his head against the steering wheel. "This isn't happening! This can't be happening!"

*******************************9:00 At The Motel********************************

Dean sat slumped against the wall of the motel with a six pack of Budweiser next to him and one in his hand. He lifted to his lips and took a long swig. His breath reeked of alcohol. He wasn't sure how many he had had but it was closing in on the mid-twenties. He coughed loudly the liquid starting to burn his throat and went back to staring at the Impala. Dean felt a few silent tears fall down his face as he recalled some of his favorite memories of Nichole.

*Flashback*

Dean sat patiently on the hood of the impala with the lighter in his hand. It was Nichole's birthday. She was currently out doing some "research" with Sam for the case, but it was really just an excuse to get you out of the motel long enough for Dean to make the birthday pie and set up the surprise party. "She's going to love it," Kevin whispered pulling Dean from his thoughts.

"I hope so man."

"She will, don't worry so much."

"Did you get the-"

"Confetti poppers, birthday crown, birthday sash, cups, plates, napkins, and balloons. All inside and all ready to go."

"You're the best man."

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Kevin replied smirking and pressed a confetti popper into Dean's hand. Dean gave a small smirk in return and opened his mouth to say something but was quickly silenced when he saw Sam's car pulling into the motel parking lot.

"Show time," he muttered and gripped the confetti popper in his hand. Dean watched Nichole get out of the car and slam the door angrily. Sam followed behind her and nonchalantly pulled the confetti popper out of his back pocket. Cas appeared shortly thereafter.

"Dean, what the hell? Why did you send me out on a wild goose chase? There's nothing here! And it's my birth-" her rant was cut short when the confetti poppers went off.

"Happy Birthday!" they shouted, well everyone but Cas who was still trying to figure out how to set off his confetti popper.

"C'mon babe. You didn't think we'd really forget. Did you?" Dean asked chuckling. Nichole stood completely still and silent. She felt the tears start spilling over as she threw her arms around Dean. "Hey now, why are you crying?" He asked concerned he'd done something wrong. Nichole chuckled and hugged him tighter.

"No one has ever cared enough to do anything like this for me," she muttered as the tears fell from her face onto his shirt. "I love it. I love it so much." Dean chuckled and lit the candles.

"Go on then. Blow 'em out."

"You're such a child," she replied punching him playfully in the shoulder. She thought a minute before taking a breath and blowing out the candles. Everyone clapped and Sam leaned over and pulled the string on Cas' confetti popper. The top hit Cas square in the forehead. Nichole burst out laughing and Dean wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned his lean on her shoulder.

"So, what'd you wish for?"

"Not telling."

"C'mon I won't laugh."

"Nope. If I tell someone, it won't come true so not telling," she replied shortly kissing his nose, grabbing the pie, and strolling inside with the others.

*End of Flashback*

Dean never did find out what Nichole had wished for, but he knew one thing. He had made her happy that day. Birthday pie, crowns, sashes, presents, nightly activities (drunk sex in the impala), and every other stupid little thing he had done that day made her happy. That was all that really mattered. Dean felt his eyes start to flood with tears again and he bowed his head in despair. Sam watched his brother from the motel window. "Bobby, is he ever going to come out of this?" Sam asked quietly walking away from the window.

"I don't know. Everyone grieves in different ways. He needs closure, but he's in no shape to gank a demon," Bobby replied gruffly over the phone. Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Well then, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, ya idjit."

"C'mon Bobby, I need help."

"Well this ain't exactly my department, boy. Call Cas maybe he can give some more helpful input," Bobby snapped before hanging up. Sam groaned and banged his head against a wall. He sank down onto the bed and hung his head between his knees. He glanced over at Nichole's bag that remained untouched. Something shiny sitting at the top of the bag caught his attention. Sam looked a little closer and recognized it immediately.

"Now that brings back memories."

*Flashback*

"Cocky as ever I see."

"Why don't you just shut it?"

"Touché, Dean. Maybe you need the demon to kick your ass again to straighten out your attitude."

"Alright, let's all settle down," Sam said as he stepped between Dean and Nichole. She stuck her tongue out and growled before retreating to the couch. Bobby sighed and ushered Dean into the kitchen.

"Think you can keep these two idjits from killing each other while I'm out?"

"Yeah Bobby I got it. Go on."

"How are the two of you even related?" Nichole muttered as Bobby walked out the door. Sam smiled a bit before joining her on the couch.

"Well, genetics are weird."

"Seriously though, I mean c'mon! You're like this gentle giant that gives a shit about people's feelings, and then there's that," she growled gesturing to the kitchen, "a cynical bastard who could care less."

"Dean just needs sometime. You scared us all with that stunt back there."

"Sam, I don't understand what exactly I did to offend him. Was I supposed to sit there and watch the both of you get your asses handed to you? I just want to help."

"That's exactly what you did. You stepped in and put yourself in danger to save us. Dean would never forgive himself if you died to save his sorry ass."

"I was just trying to help."

"He's just trying to protect you."

"I wouldn't need protecting if he would ju-"

"Dean doesn't want to bring you into the life of a hunter."

"Well too bad so sad, I'm here to stay. I'm kind of attached to the two of you. I don't think I could just leave even if I wanted to."

"You remind me a lot of someone who was very important to me," Sam replied chuckling a bit as he pulled her into his chest for a hug.

"Really? Who?"

"Her name was Jessica, but everyone called her Jess. She used to be my girlfriend."

"You said used to. Does that mean she-"

"A demon killed her when we were at college together."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry."

"Me too. I mean she was the love of my life. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to move on," Sam said quietly. Nichole looked up at him and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. Sam smiled. "But I think the two of you would have gotten along well. I know she would have loved to meet you. You both have similar attitudes and personalities, very feisty.

"I'm sure I we would have been good friends."

"Hang on a sec. I wanna give you something," Sam muttered before going into the kitchen. He saw Dean sitting on the counter with three empty beer bottles sitting next to him. "You need to march your ass back in there and apologize." Sam spit out through gritted teeth. Dean downed the rest of his beer and gave a dry chuckle.

"Why?"

"Because it's the right thing to do!"

"No, the right thing to do was not to bring her with us after the hunt. We should have just finished the case, gone to save her, and left her in her home in Oklahoma."

"Dean, you and I both know why we brought Nikki here. Something was different about her, I felt it too. She's kind of like my little sister now. We both know that she wouldn't be any safer if we had just left her."

"Sammy don't-"

"She loves you Dean and you love her." Sam mumbled while rummaging through his bag, He pulled out a jewelry bag containing a small charm bracelet.

"What's that?" Dean asked as he went to the fridge to grab another beer.

"A protection bracelet, it used to belong to Jess. I want Nichole to have it."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not blind like you apparently. If you won't teach her to hunt, I'm going to try and keep the things that go bump in the night out of her body," Sam snapped before storming out of the kitchen. Nichole looked up from the book she had been reading in his absence.

"Well, that took a while. Is he still mad at me?" she asked cautiously. Sam laughed and sat back down with her.

"No, not anymore. I think he's angrier about what I just said."

"What did you say?"

"Not important. Anyways, here," Sam said dismissing her question and fastening the bracelet around her wrist. Nichole smiled.

"I love it. It's so pretty," she said holding it up to the light to admire it. "What do all the charms symbolized?" Sam smiled and gently took hold of one of the charms.

"Let's start with this one. This is an anti-possession charm."

*End of Flashback*

Sam held the bracelet in his large hand. He gave a small smile and closed his fingers around it. "Well Nikki, there's not much to say other than I'm so sorry. I know that you would be telling me it isn't my fault, but I will always feel responsible. You were kind of like my little sister that I always wanted but never had. This was never supposed to happen not to you. I'm so sorry," he whispered as the tears fell down his face.


End file.
